The Comedy Central Roast of Son Goku
by jjgp1112
Summary: Goku's closest friends, and even an enemy, get a chance to unload on Goku with jokes. It's The Comedy Central Roast, which means crass jokes for everyone! Warning: It's in the Comedy Central style, meaning it's pretty raunchy, lowest-common denominator "humor." Read at your own risk.


**DB/Z/GT/Super/2uper/God/Blue/Ultra/Mastered Ultra/Autonomous Ultra aren't mine. I'm doing this for God know's why. I've been too busy with graduate school to sit down and write a DB fic, so we have to settle for this since writing it took literally zero thought. Heed the warning in the summary.**

"**Featuring Krillin, Vegeta, King Kai, Bulma, Frieza, Gohan, and Yamcha, it's the Comedy Central Roast of Son Goku!**

The crowd was filled with as many people that Goku had met that universal boundaries would allow. Whether everyone actually felt like being there was up for debate, but whatever the case was, many laughs were potentially in store for the evening. They were preparing for a good-natured but sure to be friendly roast of everybody's favorite full-blooded Saiyan

"And now, please welcome your roast master: Master Roshi!" said a voice in the P.A that sounded an awful like lot Whis.

Master Roshi appeared from the curtains, feigning modesty and graciousness. He took a step on the podium and cleared his throat.

"Greetings, ladies, gentlemen, pigs, cats, aliens, and whatever the hell other type of freaks that pop up in this universe, I'm Roast Master Roshi, and welcome to the Comedy Central Roast of Son Goku," Roshi began to a round of applause. "Now, Son Goku has left a huge mark on the lives of everyone in this room tonight, and to roast him we've gathered his closest friends, his greatest rival, or in the case of Vegeta, his biggest admirer."

Naturally, a certain flame-haired Saiyan sitting on the stage rolled his eyes while the audience laughed at his expense.

"In all honesty I'm a little bit disappointed they picked me to be the Roast Master; jerking off to the same exercise video would be a better use of my time than being on stage with these guys," Roshi quipped. "I mean seriously, who actually made the twelve noon drive to the strip club to drag Yamcha over here?!"

Everybody's favorite scarfaced-punching bag took the joke in stride, offering a smirk through the laughter and tipping a drink in acknowledgement.

"And quite frankly I'm appalled that they invited such a vile, loathsome, genocidal shrew of a tyrant over here, too," Roshi began, turning towards the seats. "Seriously, Frieza, how can you stand even sitting next to Bulma?!"

More laughs to be had, as Bulma shook her head, prepared for undoubtedly numerous jokes about either her shrillness or her alleged promiscuity.

"But, we're here to talk about Goku, although with his track record I should probably stall for time in case he no-shows this entire ceremony." Familiar, but uncomfortable laughter rang through the hall. "Yes, Gohan, we see you laughing, too, and yes, we know you're actually dying inside."

Gohan merely shrugged, fully prepared for that particular business to be a popular subject.

"But in case Frieza and/or Beerus murders us all before he arrives and pulls yet transformation out of his ass, let's take a look at Goku's Mystical Adventure that brought us all here."

On the video screen appeared a montage of Goku's life…the high's, the lows, and the absences. All footage was courtesy of Other World's video archives. The montage was set to an instrumental of Cha-La-Head-Cha-La, even though that song shouldn't exist in this universe.

After applauding the video presentation, Roshi made the announcement. "Please welcome, the man with more hair colors than brain cells, Son Goku!"

In typical fashion, Goku suddenly materialized on stage courtesy of Instant Transmission. Even more typical, he wasn't dressed for the occasion, instead sporting his usual orange and blue gi.

"Aww man, with all of the strong Ki gathered over here I thought there was another tournament going on," Goku grumbled.

"I am genuinely unsure if you're being sarcastic or not, Goku," Master Roshi remarked.

"Oh c'mon, Roshi, I know what's _actually_ going on here. When have I ever missed a chance to hang out with my friends?"

"Literally every single time, Goku."

"Yeah, but this is a _roast!_ I'll never turndown tasty food!" Goku exclaimed. He glanced around stage a few times before dejectedly slumping his shoulders. "But I don't smell anything…"

Everyone in the room exploded with laughter while Roshi incredulously shook his head. "See, now _that_ was _definitely_ not a joke. Ye Gods, Goku, you're giving us enough material on your own."

"But where's the food?"

"Oh, just take a seat, I'll zap some for you at the table!" King Kai shrieked.

Goku's "seat" was actually the Flying Nimbus, which he easily took a seat on. And indeed, King Kai zapped him a comically oversized slab of meat to chow down on.

"Now our first roaster is a man whose name bears no repeating, unless you're a coroner," Roshi began. "This man has died so many times, you'd mistake him for King Kai's stand-up act. You can smell him, but he can't – ladies and gentleman, here's Krillin!"

The bald monk made his way to the stage over a round of applause, ignoring the slap on his shiny cranium courtesy of Roshi.

"Thanks, Roshi. Frankly I'm surprised you'd agree to this too, but when Comedy Central's boss catches you going through his daughter's dresser, I guess you don't have too many options. I mean, thanks for training me and all, but the second Maron has her first period not even instant transmission can process that restraining order fast enough. Between Bulma and Launch alone you've commited enough sexual misconduct to be Broly's next voice actor."

A mix of laughs and surprised gasps rang through the air. It seemed like Krillin was already taking the gloves off, fourth wall be damned. Roshi was able to laugh at himself and his own behavior, of course.

"You haven't calmed that shit down even though every guy here with a daughter could snap you in half just by _thinking_ about it! Well, Gohan wouldn't." Gohan shook his head, bracing himself. "What happened, man? Where's the kid who literally stuck his neck out for me on Namek? I mean, look at you. You're even wearing _glasses_. Now, pardon my Vegeta, but what kind of Saiyan needs corrective lenses?!"

Everybody laughed, but none harder than Vegeta, who wheezed, "I asked him the same thing last week!"

"You keep getting proven time and time again that these crazy villains are gonna keep showing up but nope, you don't want to train, you just want to type 'BOOBS' in your graphing calculator all day. I may not have a nose, but even I know when I smell pussy." Krillin imitated a sniffing motion whilst looking around. "In fact, I think I smell a particularly foul, rancid one nearby! Oh wait, it's just Bulma."

All eyes turned to Bulma, who smirked and folded her arms, hoping whatever Krillin said would be good.

"Y'know Bulma, sometimes I want to go easy on you since you always had to deal with Vic Mic-Kame-Hame-Ha over here, but it's not even hard to _consensually_ touch you! All you need is a dick and set of Dragon Balls and the blue bushes part like the Red Sea!"

Bulma raised a disbelieving eyebrow. "Oh, don't look at me like that, you'd fuck _Babidi_ if he let you use half-a-wish on a plastic necklace. I mean, you are such a whore, you watched your boyfriend get killed on live TV and your only thought was 'Man, his murderer looks great in spandex!'" Vegeta and Yamcha shared awkward glances. "YOUR HUSBAND HAS TRIED TO KILL EVERY PERSON IN THIS ROOM, INCLUDING YOU, BULMA! And yeah, I get it, even Mr. Popo is more boyfriend material than Yamcha, but you'd think the guy who has beaten at least two toddlers that we know of wouldn't be allowed to produce one with you!

"Alright, alright, I'll lighten up. If I go any longer Yamcha's gonna tearfully jerk himself off to sleep. My God, man, you are so hard to look at these days."

Krillin shook his head in shame before continuing. "Like anybody with only a thirteen-year-old's brain, I used to think you were cool. I looked past the douchey surfer voice, the third-rate Bruce Lee haircuts, even those scars I know you really got from Puar for begging him to turn into Bulma after she dumped you again. But to not make it past the first round of the Tournaments even _once?_ You're as respected in marital arts as King Kai is in comedy."

King Kai folded his arms and tilted his heads toward Krillin, mumbling about these idiots not knowing good comedy.

"Speaking of not knowing when to let it go, Frieza's here again for God knows why. At least all the times I got killed I knew where I stood, you just keep coming back like Roshi in a 10th grade cheerleader's locker!" More gasps. Krillin was out for blood.

"Oh, Vegeta. I know I'm the shortest but you are truly the Napoleon of the Z-Fighters. You've gotten more people killed over your insecurity than the Dragon Radar! Did you get bullied a lot as a kid? Hell, did you even have friends? Alright I'll cut you some slack, you probably had a busy childhood, always having to point to where Frieza last touched you."

Now, some people were covering their mouth…it seemed like Krillin had no limits to how dark he was willing to go. Even Krillin shook his own head at how low that was. Vegeta merely rolled his eyes.

"And give the Goku thing a rest, already! Always, 'Kakarot this, Kakarot that;' I've never been sure if you wanted to top Goku's power level or his Power Pole!" Goku choked on his food after that one.

"The only thing you've ever been better than Goku at is being a husband but even that just amounts to burning piss!"

Krillin cracked a smile and shrugged. "But who am I to talk, besides Beerus and Whis there's not a single person in this room that doesn't know what it feels like to fall behind Goku. My God, man, for a Special Olympics prospect you have lived an _amazing_ life! Won championships, fulfilled ancient prophecies, defeated the nastiest villains this galaxy has seen, and on top of that you scored a hot Asian wife and two great kids! I mean look, we can rag on Gohan's lack of balls all we want, but he's clearly the most successful and well-adjusted out of all of us. And it's all thanks to the integrity, discipline and responsibility that could only be instilled in him by a strong father figure."

Krillin paused and turned to face the audience.

"But this isn't the Piccolo roast, this is the Goku roast, so with that being said, what the shit, man?! It's like if something has Ki and breathes, you'll leave your family to fight it! Lowkey, the Yardratians might be the worst criminals this universe has ever seen – they gave this manchild the ability to teleport. That's like giving Bulma Instant Abortion!"

Vegeta laughed just a bit too hard at that one for Bulma's liking.

"You're technically a God now, so it would surprise me if Gohan pulled a Zeus and just off'd you one of these days. Oh wait, excuse me, sorry Goku, I forgot you've never picked up a book in your entire life. There are days where I wonder how you're even able to dress yourself. Stopping me from scoring the kill on Vegeta was one thing, but you watched Frieza blow me to smithereens and still thought, 'Gee I dunno maybe he could turn into a decent guy!' You'd let the Nazis revive the Holocaust if they could produce a super soldier that could get the battle boner poppin'! Oh wait, you already did that with Gero and the Androids! Thanks for the wife, I guess." Krillin just _had_ to go an put that subject on the table…

"You got a Pink demon unleashed on us because you didn't wanna hurt Vegeta's feelings, you almost got our whole universe erased so you can get a little tournament, are we sure you never actually hit your head?! Is this all part of your mission?! Actually scratch that, because you clearly exhibit the behavior of a severe CTE patient. Oh, who am I kidding, it pays to be borderline retarded. You've pat so many women on their crotch out of genuine confusion that Master Roshi dives head-first off the roof every day! No wonder Chi-Chi can trust you all those times you leave the house, you can't even identify another woman let alone hook up with them! You're not really a husband so much as a Special Needs shut-in."

From the crowd, Chi-Chi offered her restrained laughter, mainly from the uncomfortable truths.

However, after all of the trash talking and crass jokes, Krillin turned to Goku and offered him a sincere smile.

"But you know what? You're the most honest guy I know and you've saved and avenged my life more times than you're even capable of counting up to. You're my best friend Goku, and I owe you a shit-ton." He made his way to the Nimbus, and Goku pulled him in for a big hug.

Roshi returned to the stage. "Now before I welcome the next guest on stage, all I ask of him is that he conceal the erection he's been rocking since Goku warped in here. Aw, shit, I went and gave it away didn't I? It's the Prince of Five Saiyans, Vegeta!"

Vegeta left the dais and ignored the boos Frieza tried to get started. He glared art some of the Frieza force members in the crowd, too.

"You know, old man, I should slaughter you for all of the times you've groped my wife but I'm pretty sure time has done that quite enough. If this were Planet Vegeta you'd have been ceremonially crushed to death two, three hundred years ago.

"Oh, we've got such a miserable group up here. Who the fuck invited King Kai?! How many of the 9,000 other gods ranked above you did you have to blow to show up here?! Seriously, Kakarot, this is the guy who taught you the Kaioken?! The complete deterioration of my mental health was masterminded by an obese cricket?!" Goku slapped his own knee in laughter.

"But what I really want to know is who keeps inviting Frieza to everything. The only reason I'm not killing you right now is because the universe needs to see how unfunny you are before you die. As everyone knows, we go way back. I was one of his many soldiers, and I was a pretty rowdy one. I rarely followed orders, but it actually wasn't always out of disrespect. You were just hard to understand with your mouth full of Zarbon's cum!"

Everyone pointed and laughed at the Tyrant Lizard. He was surprisingly a good sport, however.

"I have no idea how your freakshow anatomy works but if you have an asshole it's looser than End-of-Z's canon status. No wonder you keep coming back – being pounded by Saiyans sounds more like a fantasy to you! But honestly, Frieza, I just feel sorry for you. You've gone from killing Krillin to tying his death count!"

Vegeta paused to squint at the dais, seemingly looking for something. "Oh, sorry, I'm just checking every few minutes to make absolutely certain that I'm only imagining a halo over Krillin's head. You've been around for God knows how long and the only thing you've accomplished is setting the standard for dying! What, do you think the seventh life is when you'll finally amount to something? And yeah I see you, trying to play it cool. You've got such a great life for yourself now, don't you? These insults just bounce right off you, because at the end of the day you get to go home, drink a nice glass of milk, and fuck that homicidal blow-up doll you call a wife!"

Krillin took it in stride, but also asked, "How's your arm?!"

"Yeah sure, I let Cell absorb her. Only reason there was even an #18 to absorb is because you really needed cybersex!"

From the crowd, Android 18 gave a very-forced, clearly murderous smile.

"And Gohan…what a waste of Saiyan blood. Killed Cell as a child and have absolutely nothing to show for it. You let that idiot take credit for it and did nothing about it! The least you could've done is taunt him for deflowering his daughter but you're too pussy to even do _that_! And the Great Saiyaman?! You have myself, your father, and the Namekian right in front of you, yet the warriors you chose to take after were the fucking _Ginyu Force_?!" Gohan only remarked that they had some sweet poses. "But really, we all should've seen your failures coming by how many hairstyles you've shared with Yamcha."

Once again, all eyes turned to the punching bag, who took a swig of liquor.

"Yamcha…I mean what can you fucking say? The mere act of exposing yourself to the outside world is a roast enough for you that I can't come up with an adequate joke. I pity you, I really do. How much does it torture you to wake up every day knowing that the only reason you're even alive in this timeline right now…is because I fucked your girlfriend?"

Ouch. The crowd winced at that one. It wasn't an offensive joke, but it certainly cut deep.

"Ah, Bulma, my lovely wife. The very idea of our relationship makes no sense and I'm even more confused by how long it's lasted. I've killed far more powerful beings who annoy me as often as you do on a daily basis and fucking you gives me the exact same feeling as a rocket flying through space – and I would know! I've provoked Frieza into shooting a beam through my heart; I have literally blown myself up; but I can say with confidence that sticking my penis inside that vagina of yours is the most life-threatening decision I have ever made."

"Love you too," Bulma snorted.

"But the man of the hour is you, Kakarot. I've thought diligently about how I was going to do this without sounding like a bitter asshole, so I will pose a simple question for you: what is your son's birthday? It can be Gohan, it can be Goten, it can be both. Just answer it. I'll give you a few seconds!"

Goku scratched his chin in legitimate thought as Gohan shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

"And there we go! I'm an unrepentant mass murderer and even I show up for my kids' birthday parties! Hell, Goten called me 'Papa' until he was five and I don't even like your little pissant clone! I bet you haven't talked to Gohan outside a battlefield or a dinner table since the last time King Kai made someone laugh."

Vegeta paused. "Yes, ladies and gentlemen, what I'm saying is that it's literally never happened! And look at you, catching the joke 30 seconds after everyone else. If you were any slower Frieza would think you're a unit of time.

"I have shared a body and a brain with Kakarot _three times_ and you know what thoughts run through this man's mind? NOTHING! Absolutely nothing! You are emptier than the wall on Yamcha's GoFundMe! You are easily the dumbest Saiyan in history, and I spent 25 years of my life with _Nappa_! I could snap and kill everybody in this room right now and I'm sure you'd still think we're friends! No, don't answer that one. At least when I do stupid shit for a good fight I'm consistent, you'll do a 180 just by hearing 'sorry!'"

Even Frieza laughed, knowing from experience just how Goku's brain operated.

"I thought you were bullshitting me when you didn't even know what a kiss was, but it makes perfect sense. How could an idiot like you even know how to have sex without breaking your wife in half? You'd probably think she was grappling you and power up!"

After giving the crowd a few moments to die down, Vegeta frowned and slumped his shoulders with a twinge of embarrassment.

"Then again, as stupid as you are, I've never been able to catch up with you, so I guess the joke's on me."

On that self-defeating note, Vegeta left the stage, declining to shake Goku's hand, though he did give a courtesy wave.

Roshi took the stage. "Now, this next guest is somebody I'd never seen in person until today but he already has me reaching for bug spray. He's a God apparently - like that means anything in this universe - but I hear his jokes are so painful to sit through that people have done terrible things just so they can end up in hell instead. Ladies & Gentleman, here is King Kai!"

King Kai didn't receive much applause, mainly because few were really familiar with him. He had confidence in his march however, prepared to leave everyone in the room doubled over and heaving from laughing so hard.

"Thanks for the introduction, 'Master' Roshi. With all of the porn you watch and the fish you live around, I think the only thing you're the master of is _baiting!"_

King Kai let out one of his snort-filled chuckles, convinced that was a killer pun. The audience did not quite agree, offering him perplexed stares instead.

"Well we have Frieza here, and I guess that's appropriate because ever since Goku came along your career has gone COLD."

_Silence_. Even Piccolo could be seen in the audience shaking his head in disgust. Sensing the awkwardness in the room, King Kai cleared his throat.

"And Vegeta, you're so short in person! I guess since your race is extinct, you couldn't eat enough VEGETA-bles when you were a kid, huh?"

Ironically, Vegeta was rendered so incredulous by the wordplay that he actually did start laughing. Of course, it was more of a laugh of pity, but to King Kai, the mere act of laughing was all he needed.

"We have Krillin, who thinks he's a genius apparently, but clearly he NOSE nothing!"

Growing impatient, Beerus stood up and threw a tomato at King Kai. "GET OFF THE STAGE!" The crowd followed Beerus' lead and heckled King Kai, sending his signature laugh into nervous territory. He shuffled through his notes and tried to continue his routine.

"And Gohan, I don't think you have to be his father to consider him a disappointing 'Son.'"

The boos only grew stronger, and that was to say nothing of the various items the audience chucked at King Kai. Calling an audible, Master Roshi marched back to the podium and snatched the microphone out of King Kai's hands.

"Alright, alright, Blue Meanie, I think you've said quite enough. Give it up for King Kai, everybody!"

King Kai sullied off to his seat to a chorus of boos. Master Roshi chuckled as he shook his head. "100,000 Zeni to whoever destroys King Kai's joke book. Holy _shit!_"

"Guess you really spirit bombed, huh?" Goku yelled from the Nimbus.

"Goddammit, Goku," Roshi replied, trying to stifle his laughter. "Well anyway, I guess we have to follow up one blue abomination with another. Actually, who am I kidding, this woman was seemingly sent from God to confirm that my junk still works. She is to sexual harassment what Gohan is to parental abandonment; just the perfect candidate! Of course, I am talking about Bulma!"

With a swivel of her hips, Bulma took the stage. Ever the show-woman, she waved at some of the whistles and catcalls she received.

"Thanks Master Roshi, I'm surprised you escaped To Catch a Predator's cameras fast enough to make it here. If you were any older and rotten, you'd be Yamcha's romantic TV dinner." At this rate, Yamcha was keeping a tally in his head. "I could have every sexually transmitted disease known to man and alien and you would still try to touch me. You guys don't believe me? This guy shrunk himself and sat in a toilet bowl to me watch take a shit!"

She turned her sights to the dais. "Speaking of pedophilia, Frieza's here. Up until a couple of years ago I'd only known about you from stories about how evil you were. When I finally saw you I was expecting to be terrified but really, I was just jealous of your lipstick! Between alien planets and alien cock I can't tell what you blow more!"

Vegeta almost wanted to go on stage and high-five Bulma himself.

"And King Kai, this is the first time I've ever seen you and I think I'm gonna wish for immortality to make sure it's the last. You bombed out there worse than my husband's home planet. How did Goku's beat techniques come from a washed-up gym teacher's physique?!"

"Gohan, I don't really have anything bad to say about you. You're one of the few Saiyans in history who demonstrates functional brain activity. But a word of advice - maybe try leaving your office for the bedroom just once. I'm pretty sure Videl's a time machine away from cheating on you with Future Gohan; y'know, the one that isn't a fucking nerd." Gohan nodded, dryly heeding her warning.

"I was gonna talk about Krillin next but I'm not the type to dance on a man's grave. Oh wait, never mind, still alive! Sorry, can just never be too sure with you." Krillin gave a few hearty laughters, waiting for her to come down on him as brutally as he did to her.

"Oh, you went on and on about how much of a whore I am, but I've never seen you playing hide and seek in the blue bushes." Bulma turned to the crowd and raised her finger. "Let the record show that I spent two months with this guy on a spaceship in nothing but my underwear and he was too terrified to even look in my direction. If you actually had the balls to speak up, I would've at least given you a handy!" The crowd was humored by her audacity and lack of shame. "But alas, your story ended like every desperate, pathetic virgin – you gave up and fucked a robot!

"Seriously Krillin, an Android? What's it like to be the only person in the world that can be cuckolded by a vibrator?!"

Vegeta's laughter at that one spread like a virus through the rest of the roasters, and even Krillin had to admit that was pretty good.

"Sorry, Yamcha, I know cuckold's your trigger word. And you know, I'm a grown woman now; I can admit that all of the problems in our relationship were my fault - but holy shit, if you actually had a spine _I_ would've known sooner and _you_ wouldn't be on Tinder pretending you're 25. Then again, there were only so many more times I could stand to watch you cry during sex. And to be painfully honest I never looked at you the same after hearing you ask Roshi if Ki control could help your erections."

Yamcha merely shrugged and said, "It doesn't."

"But at the end of the day you were a pretty nice guy, yet that didn't stop me for leaving you for a foul-tempered, mass-murdering midget with a frog in his throat. Ah, Vegeta…I still remember the early days when you were training in my house." She gazed at Vegeta longingly, her voice lowering to a husky whisper. "They were so hot and heavy; you'd walk around all sweaty in spandex, I'd practically undress you with my eyes; maybe try to cop a feel or two. You always hated that but I don't really know why – you had plenty of experience with that growing up on Frieza's spaceship."

More gasps, more glares from Vegeta. Although at this point, the crowd wasn't as shocked and were more willing to laugh.

"My expertise is in physics and engineering but I'm pretty sure being in a relationship with Vegeta makes me a certified psychologist. You have as many neuroses as Roshi has sex offenses. I legitimately feel threatened by your obsession with Goku. How can I not after hearing you yell "Kakarot" during sex a time or two hundred?" It was an easy one, but everybody but Vegeta saw the humor in it.

"And I know, it sucks to have someone better than you. It's like every cool thing you've accomplished, Goku did first. Hell, Goku even saw my pussy before you did!"

"WHAT?!" Vegeta howled as he leapt up from his seat.

Bulma cautiously raised her arms. "Okay, calm down, Vegeta, it's not what you think; Goku was just being retarded." Vegeta sat down as everyone else laughed.

"Oh, Goku, what a fascinating study of post-concussion syndrome you are." Goku smiled from his Nimbus cloud. "It feels like just yesterday that you tried to kill me because you thought the act of driving a car made me a sorcerer. You are such an idiot you actually scored a wife because you were hungry. And to think I actually considered cheating on Yamcha with you! I remember the first time you showed up with Gohan I thought, 'How did this guy even learn how to have sex?' What, did Chi-Chi tell you her vagina had a power up and your dick was the only way to get it? I wasn't sure if you could even be sexually aroused! How did Chi-Chi even get it up? Did she tell you her power level?"

Gohan opted to drink, preferring not to hear about his parents' sex life.

"Always about the fighting. If I found out you were smacking Chi-Chi around I'd applaud you for finally trying to bond with her!" Even with the eased in crowd, that drew another gasp. "Every other week I get a phone call from Chi-Chi and it's the same thing: Goku's gone, is he training with Vegeta. And then I go to the gravity room and hope I don't walk into a monkey mating documentary.

"Next time you leave your Chi-Chi in the middle of the night to train, at least have the decency to fetch the Power Pole; she can use all of the dildos she can get. And yes, Goku, I know – you don't even know what a dildo is."

"I don't!" Goku heaved.

"Of course, what does it say about us that we place all of our hopes in a man who once thought he was fourteen because he couldn't count to twelve? It's no wonder Gohan stuck his nose in the books; he grew up with the shining example of what happens when you take too many blows to the head. Not that you gave him much reference material, you fucking deadbeat. Your repeated absences took such a toll on Gohan's mental health, he acted out by making himself look like Yamcha!"

Everyone in the dais struggled to compose themselves, especially Gohan and Yamcha. They had to admit, that was a good one.

"This irresponsible manchild almost let Cell kill his son because he thought making a catastrophic biological weapon fight when he was tired would be really, really, mean!"

The smirk Bulma sported all routine tuned softer as she continued. "Then again, if fighting and naivete didn't run your decision making I wouldn't have a powerful husband. For all of the stupid things you do on a daily basis, I can never say they came from a bad place. You're my oldest friend, and you've done a lot for us just by being yourself. Thank you, Goku." Bulma walked

Roshi took a few seconds to leer at Bulma as she left the stage. "We hate to see her go but love to watch her leave indeed. Of course, that would be the opposite way to describe our next guest, yet he just keeps coming back anyway. Please welcome one of television's foremost trailblazers for transgender representation, Frieza!"

Frieza was immediately showered with boos upon joining the podium – such was the life of somebody who made enemies with everyone in the room. The poor reception did nothing to shake his confidence, of course; in fact, as the boos grew louder, so did his guile.

"Well would you look at how popular I am here? I don't know who most of you are but I'm sure I've killed at least a few of you. Hmm, Krillin…hard to recognize you without my horn in your stomach or your body parts scattered in a cloud of smoke. And the other human, Yamcha right? I've never met you in my life yet I somehow feel too much pity to kill you. To not even survive a Saibaman is enough of a punchline!"

Frieza settled his eyes on another roaster. "And I see Raditz is here with a haircut – oh wait, that's just you, Gohan. Twenty years later and you're still only known for running home to daddy!" Gohan shrugged – it was _almost_ a good joke.

"But let's get on to more important territory: Vegeta! What a lovely wife you have indeed," he said, looking at Bulma. "She would have made an excellent whore in the planet trade! Several of you all have insinuated that I acted inappropriately towards Vegeta when he was a child. I was a lot of things, but I will not accept such slander. I could _never_ touch Vegeta that way; that was Zarbon's job."

By now, the crowd was no longer shocked and simply laughed.

"But honestly Vegeta, you made me proud. Of all the people I killed none of them cried as pathetically as you did. It's cool that you reached Super Saiyan and all but I think I liked that form more when it only existed in your head. You went on and on about being the legendary warrior and all it got you was a beam through the chest. And you still haven't even gotten your kill back! Guess Goku beat you to the punch yet again!"

Surprisingly, Vegeta calmly folded his arms.

"Goku, how I despise you. Though it would appear you're not quite as righteous as I always thought, what with your disgraceful parenting. Given how apathetic of a father you are, I'm surprised you're not the one they call 'Goku Black!'"

The crowd was appalled by the "joke", protesting with thunderous boos and groans. All Frieza did was shake his head and dismissively wave at them. "Oh, come on, racism is my most defining characteristic!"

Frieza ducked a half-hearted Beerus blast thrown in his direction and continued. "But no race falls further beneath contempt than you Saiyans. I'm surprised they didn't hand out free bananas at catering before the show! Frankly, I think Goku and Vegeta wives are even more worthy of shame – I believe humans frown on bestiality. And now to make matters worse you idiots are filling the population with a bunch of half-breed freaks. I thought you baboons would call it quits when I blew your entire race away but here you are 40 years later beating your chests and "ooh-ooh" and "ahh-ahh"-ing like savages! And anoth-"

Before Frieza could get another word in, he was leveled by a massive Ki blast, triggering an explosion that somehow didn't damage the Comedy Central feed. When everything cleared away, Frieza was nowhere to be found. Vegeta was the culprit, his arm raised.

"You're welcome."

With catharsis and relaxation, Vegeta sat back down as Roshi returned to the stage.

"Well would you look at that, Vegeta's anger management issues finally came in handy for once. Anyway, our next guest is the prodigal disappointment himself. Give one up for Mr. Peaked-In-Middle-School, Son Gohan!"

Gohan took the stage with his tongue planted firmly in cheek.

"Ah yes, 'Peaked in Middle School;' did you pull that one from your rap sheet?" That one earned some hearty laughs.

"But man, that was a helluva shot on Frieza you got there, Vegeta. It is so inspiring to see somebody finally get revenge on their childhood rapist!"

Even though the crowd had adjusted to the decidedly un-PC humor, that one was just far too blunt for their liking.

Even the typically cordial Gohan winced. "I kid, I kid. But Vegeta, I know you called me a waste of Saiyan blood, yet every time you get a power-up things just end with you staring at clouds and crying yourself to sleep. Even _Krillin_ managed to chop Frieza's tail off, and then Frieza beat you to death with it!

"Oh, Krillin. We had such great times with me being your five-year-old body guard. I'm sure at least two enemies we faced back then assumed we were the same age. And I know everybody calls _me_ a nerd, but you're the one who fucks a USB port every night." Krillin's jaw sank open, impressed. That was the cleverest one yet.

"What's up, Yamcha? Yeah, I know you probably couldn't even beat a corpse of a Cell Jr. at this point but you know what? That's alright. You've got great taste in hair and that's all that matters." Yamcha nodded and pointed his finger at Gohan.

"But apparently it wasn't enough for you, Bulma. Y'know, I'm not sure what's up your ass more - your head, or Roshi's fingers. Always looking down on everybody else. But look at your husband! You heard this man laugh about slaughtering innocent Namekians and not even five minutes later you were subtly propositioning him for sex!"

Vegeta smirked. He wasn't wrong.

"On the other hand, you're the only person I can talk to about science and as you mentioned earlier, you only wore underwear on the way to Namek, and those two months sped my puberty up by seven years."

Bulma replied, "You're welcome."

Gohan stopped to stroke his chin. "Seven years…seven years…hmmm, now that I think about it, that's not a lot of time, right dad?" Goku perked up, preparing for the storm. "Just enough time to punch some corpses and miss your son's entire adolescence. Now I'm not saying I have hard feelings, but I'm really disappointed I never got a crack at Goku Black so I could slowly kill him while never taking my eyes off of you."

"Damn!" Vegeta yelled to himself.

"Piccolo kidnapped me, starved me, punctured one of my legs just for mispronouncing 'Masenko' and yet he's still the first visit I make when Father's Day comes around. When Pan was born, I almost left her on an island for six months because you left me with literally no better reference material for fatherhood!"

Even Piccolo was laughing from the audience.

"Then again, as bad as the absences were, even when you're around you make me wonder if Vegeta was onto something with the whole psychotic hatred of you and everything. I know the rest of you all have unloaded on Goku with the stupid jokes, but you have no idea what it's like sharing a roof with this dullard. Just the sheer day-to-day stupidity will have you thinking outlandish things like, 'Sure, King Kai's a great lead for a sitcom!' And that's just the days where he's here and not when he vanishes because he could swear that bear outside has a huge power level."

Gohan heaved an exasperated sigh. "You once asked me if Goten was an actual clone of you and I genuinely didn't know if you were joking. The only time I ever saw you give mom attention was when you thought her period meant she was dying!" Chi-Chi laughed so hard she shrieked.

"Always completely oblivious to everything that isn't a 37-course meal. You know, I want to be madder about the whole giving Cell a senzu bean thing, but who am I kidding? You probably thought he would appreciate the gesture and leave us alone! And I know, it probably eats you alive that I didn't inherit your obsession with fighting, but I think I'd rather study physics than mistake it for a training regimen."

Before he could continue with the jokes, however, he took a deep breath, his expression growing somber.

"And I want to say more, but I can't…because dammit, these are all just jokes anyway." Though he tried to fight it, Gohan's voice started to crack. "Everybody can say you abandoned me but I know you were just trying to save my life all those times. And yeah, you're pretty fucking stupid…but I'm glad you mistook marriage for a food and became my father." Gohan headed over to the Nimbus, where Goku leaped off and gave his son a big hug. Many in the crowd were moved by the show of love between father and son, showing that at the end of the day, these were just jokes (with some truth in them).

Roshi nodded approvingly as he took the stage. "And now last, but not least…oh, sorry, I couldn't say that with a straight face. Our final roaster of the evening played an entire baseball career with super powers and is somehow still only known to the masses for getting blown up by a green troll. He's the cuckold across timelines, Yamcha!"

Yamcha put down the flask and hit the stage, a sportsmanlike smile on his face. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, everybody laugh at Yamcha. If I wanted to be insulted by a washed-up pedophile, I'd ask Vic Mignogna to sign my Yaoi. Roshi, you've made enough women uncomfortable to be qualified to make abortion laws. You've been sexually harassing women for so long the original rape whistle was a turtle shell!"

The crowd and the dais were both struggling to compose themselves. Seemed like Yamcha had a lot in store.

"Kinda sad Frieza's gone; I had some zingers for him. I just hope he doesn't come back as a tin can and get split-in-half again…oh wait, I think I just described Android 18's sex-life." Krillin once again was amused by the joke at his expense.

"Y'know Krillin, I'm surprised you've observed enough things to even make jokes about anybody; you've spent all four of your lifetimes gargling Goku's balls everywhere he goes. But hey, I'll give you credit, you did it while still standing on your own two feet. No, I mean, literally you were able to have your face in his crotch just by standing, you fucking dwarf." Krillin doubled over and slapped his knee, overcome with giggles.

"And from dwarfs to sociopathic troll dolls, it's Vegeta. I know everybody calls me the loser of the group but it's like as soon as I became irrelevant you came in gunning for my spot. I mean, how many lives have you thrown away to fight the big bad guy just to end up face down with your ass in the air like Frieza put you in time-out again?" Vegeta rolled his eyes, pretending not to care.

"And look, I know the sperm-spraying elephant in the room here is Bulma, but really, genuinely, I have no hard feelings about your relationship with her. Those genital warts are all yours, buddy!" A chuckle escaped from Vegeta's façade.

"Hi, Bulma. Seems like it was just yesterday that you were telling me 'Oh no, Yamcha, every vagina can fit three Dragon Balls in them.' If a Saibaman doesn't jump up from the ground and kill me again I'm sure all the times I merely kissed you will do the job instead. Everybody thinks I should be bitter about losing you, and I never understood why. I'd ask Puar to poof into a uterus if I wanted to be yelled at by a blue-haired cunt."

Sure, all of the rape jokes were one thing, but the good ol' fashioned C-Bomb was always guaranteed to catch an audience off guard, and this one was no different. Bulma actually wasn't offended and in fact, gave a respectful nod of acknowledgement.

"But with that being said, if you ever get tired of Vegeta closing his eyes and pretending you're Goku during sex, I'm a phone call away." He even made the phone gesture.

"And King Kai, ugh. The only reason nobody else knows the Kaio-Ken is because we'd risk dying again over lowering ourselves to your brand of comedy."

Yamcha pointed at Gohan. "Gohan…you're alright. Goes to show how stupid we are that we rag on the one guy who decided he'd rather read a book than punch aliens." Chi-Chi applauded in agreement.

"That is of course, the opposite description of your father. Goku, I don't know how you're even allowed legal custody of your children. You are _literally_ brain-damaged. You are walking proof of concept for retard strength!"

At that point, Vegeta was clutching his ribs, straining his voice from laughing so ferociously.

"Sometimes I wondered if you always torpedoed our fates for a good fight on purpose but then I remembered you once thought dating somebody meant punching them in the face." Chi-Chi affectionately rubbed her cheek at the memory.

"And your poor family. If Gohan never had a tail or could turn into a Super Saiyan I think I'd actually believe somebody if they said I was his real father! The fact that Chi-Chi hasn't divorced you is more mind-boggling than Roshi being allowed near playgrounds. You've left home so much I'm pretty sure Goten thinks you've been dead like you were the first seven years of his life.

"But really, this is all our fault. We all should've known you weren't good at this family stuff when you literally murdered your adoptive grandfather." Those uncomfortable murmurs drummed back up. "Not only did you kill him, you didn't even know you did it until you were 25 years old. In fact, it's actually fitting that you named your first-born son after him. You already had plenty of experience at stepping all over Gohan's heart."

The audience erupted into a loud burst of stunned gasps and effusive laughter. Bulma spat her drink out. Vegeta rolled around on the floor. Goku incredulously laughed while wheezing "holy shit." Even the typically even-keeled Gohan laughed so hard he needed to remove his glasses to wipe off his eyes.

"And since I don't think we can get any lower than that, I'd just like to say: Thank you, Goku. We can say a lot of things about you being an idiot, or a bad parent, but that hasn't stopped you from being the glue that pieced everybody in this room together and made it stick. We'd all be space dust like Frieza without you." With the stole thoroughly stolen, Yamcha gave Goku a hug. He received a standing ovation from the crowd and even Vegeta high-fived him when he sat dow.

For the last time of the evening, Roshi made his way to the podium

"Holy shit, Yamcha, way to win something for once in your life! But we weren't going to let Goku take all these beatings without letting him get a comeback, because lord knows he doesn't steal the spotlight enough already. Without further ado, here's Goku!"

Goku hopped up from the Flying Nimbus and stood at the podium.

"Well I gotta say, you guys said some pretty nasty things out there. I'm pretty surprised to hear what you all really think of me. I'd call it my biggest disappointment in life, but that one's sitting next to Krillin."

Gohan smirked and gave a nod of understanding.

"Everyone says I don't know about romance and stuff but I think Gohan and Goten show I know a thing or two around the bedroom. I'm a little worried about the peephole that I saw drilled in there the other day, though. Got anything you'd like to explain, Master Roshi? Just kidding, I know it was Vegeta." Hey, that was actually clever for Goku.

"I don't know why you don't seem to like me, Vegeta. All I did was beat you up a couple of times, reach Super Saiyan before you, kill the guy who ruined your childhood, father a kid who killed another guy who beat you up, strung you along in another fight when I actually could have won any time I wanted to…actually, now that I think about it, I'd hate me too if I were you, Vegeta!"

Vegeta answered Goku's speech with an emphatic middle finger.

"Krillin, people underestimate you a lot, but that's all phooey. You contributed a lot to our battles – those first two times you got killed gave me super power-ups! But you persevered through it all and got yourself a lovely trophy wife. As in an actual trophy for a wife."

"Hey, King Kai! Y'know those jokes showed exactly why I've never bothered to wish you back to life. Now Yamcha on the other hand, you really killed it out there! You managed to score a win on me before Vegeta!"

Vegeta almost wanted to take back his newfound respect for Yamcha on that one.

"You also scored Bulma before Vegeta, but so has everybody. She was gonna let me touch her underwear for a Dragon Ball the first time we met and there's no way she thought I was older than eight when that happened. You and Master Roshi have a lot in common, actually!"

Goku looked out in the crowd and groaned in disappointment. "I had some good zingers for Frieza too, but he's dead now. Oh well, guess I'll gather all of the Dragon Balls to wish him back!"

He pressed his index fingers and vanished, to the outrage of everyone. Luckily, he came back just seconds later, laughing. "Ha, just kidding! You guys really thought I was that stupid?!"

"YES!" Answered every single person in the room.

"Ha, guess that's why you're all roasting me, huh?" Goku joked. "Now I don't know about you guys, but I'm hungry! Let's make this one a real roast, guys!"

The crowd applauded Goku as he head straight to the back room for the feast. Mercifully, the roast was over.

* * *

**And mercifully it's over indeed. Forgive the shitpost. And yes, #KickVic**


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